"Yesterday you were better off than you are today, but it took today for you to realize it. But today has arrived and it’s too late. You see? People are never happy with what they have. They want what they had, or what others have. The grass is always greener on the other side."

It's true, I'm never happy with what I have in front of me, I'm always asking for more. And then I when it's gone, I sit there and regret about why I didn't cherish what I had, when I had it right in front of me.

NTS: stop flattering yourself

I'm not those type of people who wear their hearts on their sleeve. I don't go and spill out my emotions to people. I learned my mistakes already, opening up to someone to fast isn't always a good thing to do for me, cause who knows if that person is gonna get up, and just leave you the next day. And It's just me, I'm not accustomed to that way. As you can see, I rarely tell someone that's something's wrong, or how I'm feeling directly to their face, this is why I have a blogspot. It helps me get my all my thoughts out, and yeah. MHMHM, It takes a lot for me to open up to someone, be patient with me, yeah?

Anywhos today, I learned that no matter how bad you have it, there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse then you. It's true, right? YEP. So for me here to complain about how I have it bad, I'm barely even there.

Life is,

bittersweet. You could just love it so much at one point, and end up hating life so much at another point. I don't get how it works, I know at the end of everybody's road, is death. But the deeper side of life is what I don't get. I don't get why things never go the way you want it to go. I don't get why you can never have what you want. I don't get why life is never always good. I don't get why you have to feel pain in one point in time; emotionally or physically. I just don't get why life is just so god damn complicated. I know that without any problems in life, it would just be flat out boring. But.. I don't even have the words to say what I'm trying to say now. sigh*


I just don't get it...

Scary stuff.

Schoool is coming up in the next two week, I'm really nervous for it. I want to go to school, but at the same time I don't. I want to go to school so I could have something to keep my mind on, instead of always thinking about things that doesn't even matter in my life. School is going to be my main priority from now on. I really got to get my act together, seriously. Gotta get good grades, to get into a good collage, so I could enjoy the finer things in life. I know that's its 4 more years to go, but fuck time goes by hella fast. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was just in 1st grade? Damn, but to be honest I'm really scared of growing up.. The next four years in my life is going to determine where imma be in the future. Just the thought of that scares the shit out of me.

And you think you have it bad..You're not even close to having it bad yet.

People say everything always happens for a reason, but in this situation that I'm in I can't find the reason.

" In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe. "

" I used to be fool, but I'm stronger now, just go. "

sigh* I have no more words to say.

I hate it when I try to tell someone my problems, they always say " it's going to be okay." Fucking bullshit, how would you know if it's going to be okay? Your not in my position. I'm offically done telling people about the problems I have, whether it's family, friends, boys, or anything I'm going to try to learn how to deal with the situation on my own, with nobody's fucking help. There's no brighter day after a dark night anymore.. I just cant handle anymore of this. No, nothing is going to get better. Yes, I'm very pessimistic. I know running away from my problems aren't always the smartest thing to do, but what else is there to do? Just sit there and let someone who's real blood related, someone who you used to fucking love just tell you he's going to smack you if you don't move out of the way? Fuck that shit, seriously.

Yesterday was the worse day of my life. Dad told me to leave the house, if I didn't want to stay here anymore. So I did what he wanted me to do, leave the house. If it wasn't for my mom, I wouldn't came back. I'm just holding my head up high for my mom. I seriously had never hated anyone this much in my fucking life, EVER. I'm not the person who hold on to grudges, cause I never could. But this is a whole new fucking story.

You do not konw what you got until it's gone.

This is probably one of the toughest thing I had to write.

I know how life goes now, it screws you over. Why am I so stupid. Life is a bitch, furreal. I truely only love my mom, fuck the rest of the family

Stop it Christy, I'm better then this, I just know that I am. Damn, I need a reality check, furreal.

People now a days are fucking blind serious shit. Shit, I seriously seriously hate staying up so late, and keep on thinking.. It's fucking killing me here..

Embrace the change.

" If that four letter word was never heard then we be on better terms, hurts to say it and not hear it in return."

Can't wait till I dye my hair once more time for schoool =) light brown with a bit of red in it. MHMHMH, after this I'm gonna leave my hair to grow, I don't think imma dye my hair after this anymore, it's basically dead.. LOl, I have so much stuff to do before school starts, shit. I need to go back to school shopping soon , I need new clothes sigh. I wish I was rich, life would be so much easier.. YUUUp. Lately, when I sleep I need to leave my light stand on or else I can't sleep. I seriously need a damn night light, this light stand thing is giving off so much heat, and it's next to me, so it's freaking adding on more heat.SLDJFLASDF, I hope when school starts it's not this hot or else I'm going to basically die.. YUUUP. Also, I've been trying to sleep early :) Sleeping around 3 wooot, no more sleeping at 7 anymore yay. Haha, what a dilemma, should I do it one more time, or just stop? Sigh, I hope friday will go out how I hope it will. I hope ________________... Well, yeaah goodnight blogreaders.

Today was an okay day I guess, went out to eat with the whole big family, and yeaaahh that's all. Sigh, I'm just lying to myself... I hate how this has to always happen to me.

“The average person tells 4 lies a day, or 1460 a year a total of 88,000 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is: I’M FINE.”

" I try to pull away from you, but it's killing me because I can't stop loving you . "
can't stop - stevie hoang

" 'Cause I'm not your princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday
Who might actually treat me well
This is a big world
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror
Disappearin' now
And it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
To catch me now "

white horse - taylor swift

All over

I miss those old days, where I would look forward to waking up. Going to bed with a smile on my face. Sigh, this feeling sucks. Summer is coming to an end, did nothing fun really. School's almost here in 2 weeks, and angela is coming back next week, yay. I really hope school this year would be fun. Everything is turning into bullshit now a days. Hopin' for those better days..

" Sleepless nights, and stormy days, I've got proof that people change over time, pictures fade, and all thats left are these empty frames. "

" No one knows for certain anything in life. Everything is a never ending series of change. Without this change I believe we would grow bored. Bored of our surroundings, our situations and each other. Embrace change as much as you can and it will embrace you. Try to move through it instead of resisting it and see what happens. You may come out a whole new you and be surprised with the end results. Life throws surprises at us, good and bad. It’s all in how we take them and what we have learned. Follow your own path and be your own self and see who walks beside you, you may be pleasantly surprised. "

I don't stand a chance.

"A strong girl keeps her shit in line. And with tears running down her face, she still manages to whisper the simple words; I’m fine."

I feel happy at this moment, hahah :). Hope it stays this way.

“When all’s said and done, all roads lead to the same end. So it’s not so much which road you take, as how you take it.”

Independent.

I need to learn how to not always having the need to depend on someone.

I hate love - claude kelly
I choose you - babyface

"You can't rewind the past, but you can't fast foward to the future. All you can do is press play to see what is gonna happen next."

" Never forget yesterday, but always live for today with the people you love, because you never know what tomorrow can bring, or what it can take away."

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, and forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance; take it. If it changes your life; let it. Nobody said it was easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

That quote was in my past blog, and now that I re-read it over again, it tells me something more. Yeah, I have my regrets, but I gotta let them go right ? I can't be holding on to a mistake I've done in the past, cause what's the point of holding on to it? It will only cause me more stress thinking about what I've done. Well, everything happens for a reason, and maybe the things I've done in the past will lead to something better in the future? Who knows, life's a fucking mystery, things never go your way.

They say that good comes to those who wait. Well, I'm going to start waiting, the finer things in life will come to me sooner or later I just know it will. Lets just hope my patience will last.

Now that I think about it, I have changed for the worse.. Doing all this shit, sigh. When school starts I'm not going to do any of this anymore.

Why the hell did I have to go and read it all over again, ugh. Now it brings back more stupid memories. fucck. shit's gaaay.

Thank god I decided to stop rolling; big shocker that I do that stuff huh?Lol, but I sure do and say a lot of stupid shit when I do it. Now that I look back for the past couple of months, I do really regret what I've done. And yeah, so many people have said " NO REGRETS, JUST LESSON LEARNED. " Well, that quote just comes to me so many time, but for a fact I do have a lot of regrets, and no I never learn my lesson. I also don't believe that is a true quote honestly. Think deeper to it, and you'll find that you do have some regrets, and yeah maybe sometime you'll learn your lesson, but not all the times. But then, I can't say or tell someone how to live their live.

I think I blog way too much..

Oh god, bad memories >___< FUCCK FUCCCK. I wish I could just erase it all from my mind. Shoot me -____________-

Highschool is right around the corner, I'm nervous as fuck. I hope this year would be better then last year.

At the moment, I could say that I miss you, this isn't a goood thingg to happen right now ):

3/4weeks; double2's

"I just wanna let it go for the night,
that would be the best ever be for me. "

Lovin' you from a distant

WOOOT, I knocked out at 8 yesterday, slept all the way till 1 today :). I needed that sleep, lol.

Everybody is starting to piss me off now a days, seriously..

I officially need sleeping pills, cause I tried to sleep at 3 earlier, and failed. Now I'm up and blogging again. What's going to happen when school starts?! I can't be going to sleep at like 6... I need to start training myself to sleep early. SIGH, someone wants to get me some sleeping pills? Pleaeee..?! ):

"You don’t know what you have in front of you in the present, until it's finally the buried past. You don’t know exactly how things will turn out or when, everyday your putting yourself into risk just to conclude your life with death. The future; who fucking knows what will occur, what and whom will morph into our lives, where we'll end up , wind up- Life’s a fucking mystery."

Heart speaks first

There are so many mixed emotions going on inside of me right now that I can't even describe it. I really wish I could just lose all my bad memories, I keep on thinking about it over and over again. Ugh, stupid shit I do when I'm under the influence. Seriously, everything is so ajflsjfda. You could call me someone that's always pessimistic, even though I always seem happy. No, that's not true, yeah I always have a smile on my face, but no one fucking knows what's behind it, seriously... I always find the bad to everything. I always always think about the bad and stupid things I've done in the past, it kills me. Probably one of the reasons why I never could sleep early, cause whenever I close my eyes the thoughts just come back to me. I really hate this. Someone shoot me. I need to get my mind out of everything and chill out. Adding to that I'm always pissed off at small stuff that people do or say. UGGGGHH.

No, I'm not going to tell you my problems that I have. No, I'm not depressed or anything. But that's just me, I don't want telling people my problems and having them give my fake sympathy. I don't want it nor do I need people giving me fake sympathy.

I seriously don't understand what goes in a boy's mind, they always fall for the chick who tears their heart apart huh?

It's just one of those days where I have a lot on my mind.

It's been almost 3 weeks? MHM, I hope I can keep this up. 19th day.

Reminiscing,

is something I do way too much. Sure brings back a lot of memory..

" Live in the moment, sit on the throne and just take a look from the top, it’s a whole other perspective to see the good that you got. "

Cryin inside

I really hate nights like this, where I can't sleep till 4 or so. Gives me so much time to think and blog my heart out. Spent most of my day watching movies, how lame. I never go out anymore, wtf.

How do I know that I don't feel towards you anymore? I can say that I honestly don't like you. MHMHMHM, sigh my life is really predictable, seriously. I always know for a fact that when something good happens to me, the next day or so; it turns upside down and all go down the drain. So it's whatevers anymore I guess. Life never gives you what you want, but then I learned to strive for what I want. MHM, I know that I may not have it as bad as other people out there, but hey who hasn't complain about their life at one point of time? BUT AT THE MOMENT, I really can't complain about my life right now, and let's just hope to keep it that way :).

Sigh, I swear I am waay too nice, and I always let people walk over me; never having the voice to speak up. I know at times I say mean things and blahblahblah, but honestly I don't ever say what I want to say in front of people. I'll always be the first one to give in. I know that sounds stupid, but I don't know.. It's just, asjdflaksjdf.

"Love will tear us apart, but there's joy in our division.
Not to mention it's the only reason I continue living."

Who do you love

I hate my mood swings. Fuccking gay shieeet.

Stfu w/ your fucking bullshit..
HAHA, karma's a real bitch ain't it?

"When things gets tough - the tough gets going."

Everything is broken.

I never liked to talk about my feelings or problems directly to anyone really. It's hard for me to spill all my feelings out. I don't always go running to someone and tell them that something is wrongs. It's one of the reasons why I have made a blogspot, so I can at least have something to talk about my problems to and not have any feedback about it.. Sigh, some people don't understand that I have my insecurities at times, I don't always know what to do. Actually, most of the time I don't even know what to do really. I never really knew how to give advice to people, cos the way of how I see it is; I can't give you help on something if I never been in that position. How am I to say help you if I don't even know what it feels like to be in the spot your in. Sigh, I really do suck at advice giving, lol. I just had to blog this out, it was really bothering me.

Sigh, I knocked out at like 11:30 or so, and then I woke up at like 2:45 or something, and now I can't go back to sleep. I hate it when all this happens; sleeping early and waking up so fucking early. This always gives me time to think, and blog. Mhmhm, I didn't It's like 3:33A.M right now, and I don't feel that tired. UGGH:(. I seriously need sleeping pills.

WTF, why am I craving for pho at 4:42A.M??!?!?hahaha.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, and forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance; take it. If it changes your life; let it. Nobody said it was easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

It's so weird how how girls think boys have their ways to get into their minds. And for guys, it's the same way. I was reading people's blogs earlier, and yeah. Not all girls are sluts, and not all guys are players. I know that for a fact that not all guys are gonna be "prince charming" and not all girls are gonna be the "girl of your dreams", but hey isn't there someone out there for everyone? Life has it's ways. Haha, speaking about that I just remembered me rambling on in the past about how I didn't think that there was a someone for everyone, but I finally realized the world is a huge ass place, there are tons and tons of people out there, that you yet have to meet. So yeaaah. Sigh, we live in a fucking complicated world, forreal.

No more making promises w/ anyone, cos promises are made to be broken, and I don't want any of my promises to be broken anymore. It's like getting my hopes up, and just crushing it. Bugs the shit out of people when people do that. Don't promise me something that you know you CAN'T keep, please..

The only one for me.

Sigh, there's still a part of me that has an urge to talk to you. It's whatevers now I guess, just keep moving forward and not look back. What else is there to say about it..? MHMHM, well I woke up at like 4:50 today, the latest time I slept out of this whole summer. Haha, slept at like 5a.m though. SIGH, I don't get why I can never stand up for myself, and say what's on my mind to other people.It's like ekajljsdf. Yeah..

dear ___,
What the fuck, you think your all cool and shit bcos you know certain people?
Get the fuck over your fucking self. Stop with your bullshit.

SIGH, just had to let that out, cos certain people are starting to really bug me now a days.

" Don't sigh, get high."
Right don ?=)

awkward turtle and awkward balloon.

SIGHH, I'm so sore. I needa start adding titles to my blogs.

Key to your heart.

What a day! Biked all the way to regals to meet up Kevin. Then biked all the way back to Sydney's house, all together 8 miles of biking! What a mission, ahaha. I was stupid and scratch my toe, and my basket is like all crooked now :(. SIGH, then stayed at Sydney's house till like 4ish, got to tired to bike home & I also had a major headache, so told papabear to come pick me up. Then he took me around to buy food and stuff. Came home around 6? Then, yeahhh. Good day overall I guess. I'm fucking sore though. I hope this week will be a good week.

9thday.

" If I had it my way, I would make you stay...
Never thought that love would be so hard,
sometimes I wish I never met you at all.
Cause he's what's best for you and you're what's best for me. "

If I leave - Andre Merritt
Open up - Taj Jackson

Can't my fucking parents understand that I'm not that fucking young anymore?! I know a lot about life already, can't I get some space from them?! UGHH. SERIOUSLY... -_________-. HATE THIS.

It's not my fault, that I'm still stuck here, you were the one who made me like this, and just went away. Got me think all these thoughts..Sigh, well no more of this pessimistic shit..Papabear finally bought me a bike =), but then he thinks I don't know how to ride it -_____-, if I didn't know how to ride a bike, then why the hell would I ask for one?! UGHH, in my parents mind I'm still a baby. I'm 13 ALMOST 14 for goodness sake, can't I have some independence, JUST A LITTLE BIT, then I'll be happy.

I'm not ready for this, I'm not ready to take this step.

" Infatuations is when you see someone as perfect with no flaws. Lust is just physical attraction. Love is when you know someone's flaws, and still accept them."

It's whatever.

Those words you said to me were all bullshit. I was stupid at the beginning to actually believe them. Now all I could think about is what you told me. Sigh, I gotta get myself together and forget about them.MHMHMM. Summer's almost over. Damn, and I didn't even do anything that fun. I hope by the end of this summer, something cool happens to me, cause seriously. My life is boring.

Someone should get me a fucking cookie and some damn softlips chapstick :(, I am in need for it! I hate having chapped lips. Registration for highshool is almost coming up, I'm nervous as fuck for highschool. It's going to be like 8th grade at walton all over agian. How gay, I really wished I didn't have to go to Santiago, I mean it's a good school and all, but I don't want to go there. I would rather go to any school besides grove, santiago, or bolsa. Lol. Dammit, why do I have to be so picky, haha. SIGH, I really hope my dad gets me my bike that I've been wanting since last month :(.

Oh how I wish I could just talk to you for just one minute, no need for an hour. Just talking to you for one minute would be nice, then I would be satisfied.

"It's crucial now for you to see things as they are,
and not how you want them to be."

http://bobosmind.blogspot.com/
^ LOVEEEYABOBO<33333333

"I can't live this life, cause I'm lost without your love.
And everytime I try, I'm still lost without your love.
As everyday goes by, I'm just lost without your love.
I don't think I'll survive through the night, if I don't get you back in my life."

Lost - Johnta Austin

Karma's a real bitch.

Heartbreak collision

"Used to be running through my mind
Now you're jogging
Now you're just walking
And footsteps lightly
Until they start to fade away
And all I hear is silence
But it ain't here never after no attachment
Used to be amazing
Don't know how that happened"

32 views for 2 days, woot woot.
At least now I know some people actually read my blog, haha.

On and on.

I liked today, even though I barely did anything :), can't really complain about anything right now. Actually had a nice conversation with my dad today, and we never talk like this.

SIGH* my blogs yesterday and the other days, make me seem pathetic. LOL, gotta stop blogging like that D:

Someone should get me a cookie :(, I've been craving for once since foreverrrr. haha.

"Destiny is what your suppose to do in life,
and fate is what kicks you in the ass to make you do it."


Why do I keep on thinking about it ? When I try my hardest to not to? I hate this feeling, I really do. Don't know what to do anymore. I've tried hard enough, should I keep on trying? SIGH* it's 11:25PM, and I'm going to bed. Can't stand staying up and thinking about this anymore. Night blog.

I'm bipolar.

It's time for a change for myself. I'm just being pessimistic... I can't put the quote " Someone is always in a worse position then you." in my head... I need to stop thinking that my life sucks, cause seriously, there IS someone in a worse position then me.. Just gotta look at things in a different way now.

I don't know what I want right now, it feels like I need someone there for me, like iddk. But I fucking hate this feeeling. errg. I hate when it when I think too much.


Never never land - lyfe jennings
Beautiful creation - young dee

WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT ANYMORE?

Not anymore

Wtf is up with me. I hate having this feeling. The feeling where I need someone there for me. Sigh, I told myself that I don't want to depend on anyone, but myself anymore. I hate hate having moodswings. I was perfectly fine earlier, now I feel urrrg. How fucking gay. This is where the reminicing comes in...FUCCCK. seriously ? WHY NOW I was perfectly happy not thinking about it, but what now.... ugh, fucking hate this. Fucckk thisss, I seriously need to get out of this fucking house. I need to occupied myself with something besides this fucking laptop... I need a fucking bike, no lies. UUGGH, maybe a shower will cool me off. SIGH, well at least tomorrow I'm spending some bonding times w/ bestfriend. Before she leaves. ugh, I hate nights like this, seriously.

FUCK 11:11 , all bullshit, sometimes I ask myself.. Would anyone even care..?

It's just something about you that has me hooked..
SIGH.. It's been a week....Let's see how long I could do this for.

I'm surprise that I could even keep this blogging thing up, it's been since november:)

"Just tell me you don't love me.
Tell me you don't feel the same way that I do,
tell me I don't make you smile.
Like I do when you walk in the room,
you're so hard to let go."

"Even the best fall down somtimes, even the stars refuse to shine,
out of the back you fall in time, I somehow find you and I collide."

"You got me dizzy, dizzy, d-dizzy, dizzy. I hope you catch me. Cause I've falling in love with you. Baby I'm trippin, trippin, I'm slippin, slippin. You got my world spinnin', spinnin'. I'm falling for you"

Happy birthday julie<3. You old unfunny bitch:). MHMHM. I hope today gonna be a good day.

I love my mom, no doubt. Even though I always bitch at her for small reasons, I still love her. I never really noticed what she had put into this family. After the fuss and fights with her, I would always regret yelling at her.. Because she yells at me because she actually cares for me. Through all the bullshit I gave her, she's always there for me, and I don't seem to appreciate her till now, thinking about what she's done for me. As corny as it sounds I do... :)<3

I fucking hate sleeping at 12 and waking up at 3 something, it always makes me think about stuff.. Well, today was okaay I guess. My dad was lagging on me till 6 to take me to shantel's house...Went there, it was pretty okaay at first. Then drinks came, blah blah. I had to leave at like 8 cos today was my first day of work.-____-, how gay right. And then, yeaaaah. SIGH, what a family I have... Dad is an ass, seriously. Always blames me and my mom for shit he does. SIGh, I thought summer '09 would be fun, but to think of it... It's been really boring.. I only go out once or twice a week, and dad already bitches at me. I hate having a strict dad, bugs the shit out of me. UGH, I hate staying up late, I always seem to blog my heart out when I have nothing to do..Eck, I wanna go rollarskating or ice skating one day :).

Sigh, its real gay how I can never stop thinking about what happened. I want to get it out of my head so much, but I never can seem to do so. Fuck this feeling, it had been killing me inside..And staying up till 4 doesn't help me get it out of my head either, I always have to occupied myself with something, so I wouldn't have the time to think about it, but I never have anything to do..ugggh, why can't I just let it go, it really suckss feeling this way.

I got my love on lockdown now. I'm seriously not ready for any guys right now, cause it always seems like they walk out on me, when I give my all. So, now I'm not going to give my all to someone that won't give me their all themself.

things I need to do before summer ends :
1. get a fucking bike. CHECK
2. then bike to kevin's house.
3. then bike with kevin to LQ.
4. buy joose and stuff with kevin.
5. bike to the beach with kevin.
6. go boy hunting with kevin.
7. go bike with don.
8. go watch a movie in theaters.
9. get real buzzed.
10. dye my hair to one color agian.
11. be sober from candy for more than 2 weeks.
12. go shopping.
13. go to signal hill.
I SHALL HAVE MORE SOON. :)

Aren't my blogs something to read ? Lol, when did I start to become so deep? Like in june and stuff, my blogs were just ... whatevers. And now, I blog everything out, and yeahh. I wonder who has the time to reads my boring blogs..hah.

Don't give into temptation christy.. UUGHH, this is so hard, I don't know why. ERRRRRRRG. fuck my life. Family is like broken apart already, life is errg now. This seriously happens to me EVERY FUCKING TIME, no kid. When something is good for once, its hell the next minute. UGHHH. Fuck this life I'm living in..

I'm starting to get sick, fucck. I can say that I really don't need you anymore. I know that I shouldn't be here sitting and just thinking about the past. I was stupid before, I now know I could do better than that. Well, today's shantel's birthday :). Sigh, first day of work with papabear too ): I have to go home early from the party laterr, how borringg! Well, on the bright side, I'm even happy that I could go today,hahah. Been in this fucking house for 3 daysss! It's hell, staying in the house always make me blog my heart out, cos I really have nothing todo. hahah, I want my bike already ): I could go out so much more if I had it, wouldn't need a ride from papabear and yeaah. Then I could get out of this house any day I want and yeah. I'm feelingg bettterrrr today.